Your unofficial tongue-in-cheek glossary for WordPress theme lingo

WordPress is a blessing. Most of our sites use it. Having many theme options also provides us with many choices. So this tongue-in-cheek WordPress theme dictionary, with sarcasm and fun, comes from one who truly appreciates the work of the people behind it.

After hours of searching for themes and looking at hundreds of them, I made up a short list of words and phrases that WordPress theme developers use to describe their creations. Here they are, in no particular order.

Lite: The free version of the paid theme, missing all the features you like. Feel cheated? Pay up, chump.

Premium: You pay. Then pay again. Because a guy’s gotta eat.

Freemium: Free, but supposedly premium quality. When it breaks, don’t come crying to us.

Responsive: Adjusts to any device, desktop, laptop, mobile, because people just can’t wait to read your post about what you had for lunch.

Typography: No visuals to brag about, so think of a frilly font as uber-cool.

Minimalist: No frills, no fancy swirls, no nuthin, and that’s cool!

Child theme: Getting a free ride off another theme, which you have to have installed to work.

Widget: The replacement for Grandma’s brag book (photo album of grandkids). The more the merrier.

Grid: Square is now hip.

Masonry: Surf the Pinterest wave, because they make scads of money off their site, and who knows, you might too!

Mag(azine) theme: Minimum of three columns, pile on the clutter, make it look busy and important, just like your life.

Loads of ways to edit: So complicated, you can’t figure it out without our premium help.

Simple: The creator got tired tinkering with it. What you see is what you get.

Suitable for any niche: We have no idea what to do with it. You figure it out.

Demo: See it in action, after we spent hours cropping photos to make it look just right. Your results may vary.

Flat: No shadows or other 3D effects, which is what we had before we could do the 3D stuff. The new cool.

Shaminartha: We couldn’t figure out what to call this theme, so we chose something that sounded mystical so you’d think you find peace by uploading our theme.

Focuses on your great content: Doesn’t offer much as a theme, so maybe somebody will read your dumb text instead of looking at some cute cat pictures.

Web presence: Did you know you were online with a website? I mean, really, guy, you have made the big time!

Looks great: We threw in a bunch of photos of women in bikinis.

Garden theme: Main color is green, doesn’t that make you think of a garden? You know, flowers and stuff?

Modern: Stripped to the bare essentials, and even missing some of those. Kinda like our political system strips you of liberty.

Coffee theme: Everybody drinks coffee, so you should install our theme.

Versatile: You want the widget area on the left or right?

Sticky post: Nobody read it when you posted it, so keep it up at the top until somebody clicks on it.

Fixed width: Not only do you have to scroll up and down, but with this theme, you have to scroll horizontally as well. Only fair, right?

In the comments area below, add any words or phrases you’ve seen in your WordPress theme searches, and create your glossary definition. Clean language, please.

J. Randal Matheny

Be pithy.

What do you think?